I am perfect...just as I am! I really am....?!
I don’t know about you, but I struggle with this concept. I feel it to be true, but my ego and drive for perfection makes this a tough one to be consistent with. That’s already miles on from where I was before so progress has definitely occurred. However, this continual strive to be the ‘all singing all dancing’ person, partner, mummy, friend, family member and now business owner just isn’t realistic.
So why do I put myself under this pressure; allow others to; and sometimes feel so far away from perfect that is isn’t even funny? And when I am getting there what is it that I’m doing?
What is perfect?
Google defines perfect as:
“Having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be.”
Hmmmmm…reading that definition actually gives me a sense of relief. Sitting now reading it I can relate to it and I think I’m doing OK. Yes, that’s much easier to accept…at least for me! However, back in the real world (or at least in my head) the definition is this;
“Gets everything right all of the time, is slim (a size 12 to be exact), beautiful, normal-sized feet (I am a size 9.5), intelligent, funny, great sense of humour. Never gets angry, afraid or jealous. Everyone loves me and thinks I’m a wonderful person. Everyone wants to be my friend. Perfect Daughter, Sister, Auntie and friend. Washing and ironing is always done and house is spotless. The best Mummy and partner in the world. Never late, never overdrawn and hair and make-up is immaculate. Practically Mary Poppins really.”
So why have I struggled?
In my opinion it’s mostly because of unrealistic expectations. Expectations I put on myself, but also due to the world we live in today. Comparisons are always being made, ‘role-models’ apparent and judgements on how things should be. I should be this; you should be doing that; we should have this; you should be going there.
There are instant fixes for things; cosmetic surgery and the ability to change yourself externally if you don’t fit in or aren’t happy with yourself.
From a really early age I was bullied. Bullied for being taller and having bigger feet and for standing out. I wanted so much to be smaller, thinner, blonder and just ‘blend in’. I didn’t want to be different; which I learned from an early age I was. I really struggled to accept myself as I was as I felt uncomfortable and never felt as though I was good enough.
I ‘turned’ to things to comfort and to ‘hide’ metaphorically. To deal with the lack of self-confidence and self-belief and to try to just be alright with myself.
I am my own worst critic. The bullying and horrendous words and thoughts I can use against myself are shameful. Personal abuse and lack of compassion and self-love running riot! Exhausting.
What changed and how is it today?
I came to a place of realisation that I didn’t want to be like that anymore. I wanted it to stop. The continual beating myself up because “I’m not there yet!”. Wherever “there” is. I wasn’t “there” yet.
That happened slowly initially and it’s gained a lot of momentum in recent times.
Amongst the several things I do today; I remind myself to stay in a positive mind-set. I work at it. It’s hard sometimes. I can get a glimpse of how it used to be and start to move to the state of sitting in self-pity. I catch myself doing it and can be there sometimes. So I work to get out of it and stay in a place that keeps me not only buoyant, but moving on an upwards trend.
I realise today that my body is not me. My make-up and physical self is not who I am. My size 9.5 feet and clothes size 16 (sometimes a size 18) is not me.
Of course it’s important to eat well, be healthy and exercise, but that it just the outside of me. It’s not ME. My being. My personality. My ability to love; give it and receive it.
My inner self; my soul is who I am. That beautiful and perfect being deep down that is benevolent and searching, yearning to be peaceful, whole and in a place of love and kindness. That’s the perfect I am striving for today.
So am I perfect then?
I guess I can say “Yes!” based on the google definition, but what then? Am I then still teachable? Humble? Grateful?
My preference is to keep doing what I am doing and, although sometimes progress is slower than others (and occasionally it’s a negative progress) the benefits are amazing. My thinking is changing, my self-confidence and belief is increasing and I’m starting to feel as though “I like myself actually”.
Now that’s just perfect for me!
I would like to end this blog with a beautiful poem that was shared with me...shown below. "The Guest House" by Rumi.
Thank you for your time…sending lots of love and blessing to you!